The voice of silence....

The hall was packed.As we entered it,(five of us in our early twenties) we were greeted with a hushed silence and curious eyes.The principal of the college welcomed us into their midst with a warm smile.We sat down.After a couple of arrangements,the programme began.The principal,after making the welcome speech,handed over the mike to us,the speakers who were going to conduct the show!

The first speaker took over the mike,spoke,finished it successfully,came back and sat.So,did the other two speakers.My turn was set for the last.How i wished i could have spoken first,and then sat back relaxedly.As the fourth speaker was coming to the end of her talk,my nerves got tight.I was making myself light and mentally preparing myself to go on stage.The girl finished her talk.After a short intro,the mike was handed over to me.

I walked over,took the mike and took centre stage,so that i could get a clear glimpse of my audience.As i looked around the auditorium,i saw that it was packed to the brim. There were about five hundred girls from various departments of the college and also some faculty members present.The girls were mostly dressed in jeans and tee shirts,some of them wore big hoops,some of them had heavy eye-make up.I guess this college din't have any strict dress code,as some of the other colleges in Chennai!They dressed as they pleased!

As i looked over and began my talk,i realised that the blessed microphone was shaking in my hands.I saw that it was due to my nervousness/fear.So,i cooled down a bit,and then began.My powerpoint was switched on,i turned around to the big wall on which it was projected to check it,happy that there was some thing to turn and look at,if i found the audience's eyes too pressurising for me!

As i began my talk,my voice first came out soft,and then,as i went on,the flow started...loud and clear.It made me wonder if it was my own voice - steady,confident and loud.The flow of my voice was smooth,the gaze of my eyes shifting alternatively from the audience to the powerpoint,my hands moving spontaneously as i spoke.

The audience was steady.Not a whisper.All eyes focussed on the speaker-me,some times their stare shifting to the colourful powerpoint,sometimes to their notepads,where they were joting down points of the talk.They enjoyed the real-life examples and short stories.They were totally involved with the subject,looking on wide-eyed with rapt attention,they nodded in understanding.

As i came towards the end,and had to give a finishing touch to it, i realised that
i had forgotten or purposely ommited some points,but my mind was quick to adapt and weave new relevant points on the spot.I liked those 'spontaneous parts' which came out on the spot naturally,similar to what comes out in interesting conversations.

As i was going to end it,i realised,i was so composed and relaxed,the audience too was spell bound.For some time temporarily,the stage had become my arena.And i had enjoyed the whole time,almost an hour of speaking to a large audience!

I ended my talk.I 'm not boasting(infact,i should thank my mentor,who prepared all of us),they were all smiles and lively along with an active applause.I came back and sat,with the joy and satisfaction of having put in my best.I always like to put in my best into whatever i do,though at times,my laid-back nature prevents it.From the feedback session,we got to know that the audience had understood and enjoyed the talks and the interactive sessions.The point had reached home.We were all happy.

I was satisfied.I wanted this chance of speaking again.The interaction and the need to make my audience interested in the subject pulled me,into the love of public speaking.Was it becoming like a hobby!? Yes, i loved chatting with frens as a hobby,but public speaking,a hobby? i don't know.

Back at college and school,i had spoken and given seminars.But the audience was smaller,it was a familiar audience set in familiar surroundings in the warmth and goodness of our campus(i did my schooling and college at Andhra Pradesh).I never thought i could or would speak in Chennai colleges to a huge new audience.Infact i know initially, how much i was against the idea of going and speaking onstage.But today,i had loved and enjoyed it,every bit.There was a sense of satisfaction in coming out of my comfort zone,trying what i din't want to do,and succeeding at it.

It reminded me of Maslow's theory.I don't exactly remember it.According to his definition and concept of different forms of human needs,the last and the highest on the hierarchy of human needs is 'self actualisation'.Self actualisation - a need which every human feels,to embrace himself to the fullest extent possible,to tap and bring out his hidden potential and apply his best in whatever work he does.

I was happy i had put in my best in one of the small things of the world,the result of which showed in the form of a lasting impact on the listeners.

Eyes don't lie.....

" Ah!",a slight sigh slipped from my lips,as my eyes were being sretched by my fingers,to apply 'kajal' on them.I was standing in front of the mirror,getting ready to go out and face another day.Having finished,i looked into the mirror,at my eyes.A pair of black eyes were staring back at me,having been made darker by the kajal.

As i was still looking at my eyes..., a thought spontaneously arose in my mind...i wanted my eyes to live forever,i wanted my eyes to be useful to somebody else,too,in the once they stop being useful to me.I wanted them to adorn somebody else and serve them,just as they were adorning me now,somebody who really needed them.Yes,i wanted to donate my eyes to a visually challenged person....A silent promise rose in my mind to keep my eyes intact and maintain it in the best possible condition always,no matter what.

I really don't know how this thought arose.Previously,i had once told my mom about it,after which i had totally forgotten about it.Now,today,again it arose in my mind...i don't know the health conditions/criteria to be fulfilled for eye-donation,i don't know who does the process,how its done,i don't know anything about it.I just know that i want to do it.And i know that when my mind sets itself on something,it somehow gets done.

Asif in response to my thoughts,in the evening when my brother came back from work,he was speaking to mom about how many of his colleagues wanted to donate their eyes.So,they were arranging for the chief doctor of the 'Shankhar Nethralaya' hospital( a big,and very well known eye hospital in Chennai)to come and give a talk about the deatails of eye donation at their company.I knew my bro's company followed the concept of 'corporate social responsibility',where they undertake community activities as a team.But i din't know how they got speaking about this topic today.It was co-incidental and surprising.

My heart has always gone out to the visually-challenged(blind people).I could not imagine how they spent their life in darkness.The eye is said to be 'the window of the soul'.By lookin at a person's eyes,you can guage his current state of mind.Eyes silently speak the language of the heart.What we see,perceive and enjoy is solely beacuse of these two wonders.Just think of it.If you had to spend one whole day in utter darkness,your power of vision temporarily pulled away.I can't even imagine it.What would i possibly do? Nothing,enjoy the dark and sleep?but,for how long? After that...,just sit and brood in the darkness? correct..?

But look at these people.I really admire them.A whole life of darkness,beginning at birth for most of them. Imagine,they have never seen a sunset in their lives,they don't know how their very own face looks like,and if you want to describe something to them,how do you do it? For ex,an apple,do you say an apple is a fruit and red in colour?Do they know how the colour 'red' looks like? No,absolutely.
But do you look through and see their confidence,their positive spirit,their courage and determination.They cannot see may be.But they clearly set and 'see' their goals,they 'see' hope shinnig bright,They 'see' that the absence of one of the senses,does'nt make them any less capable or competent.Just look into the day of a visually challenged person,and you 'll get what i am speaking about.

It reminds me.At college,we had a lecturer who was totally visually challenged.She would count the steps she took,as she walked.And she knew exactly at which count to turn left,at which cound to ascend the stairs and at which count to stop.She knew how to reach her place.When Sai Baba would distribute sarees,He would,while giving her,describe the saree's colour,its texture,material etc,she would be so grateful for it.I wondered how these people would perform their domestic activities,eat and other things which we mechanically do everyday.But,she had a silent determination and love for life which worked miracles.She was accomplished in the field of literature and telugu,and so she taught english to the telugu-speaking girls at college,apart from other coll. activities in which she took part.

It made me ponder,was i using all of my latent capabilities to the fullest extent possible,in whatever i did or was i busy blaming situations/people for not getting things done.
I don't know that,but i certainly know that i want to make a difference to the lives of these people in my own way,may be by doing what people usually do - reading for the blind,scribing(they tell the answers,and you write them,during their exams)and later on( after i cease to exist),by donating my eyes to one of them.

A tribute to life....

Oh life! I have always wanted to let you know how important you were to me,but never knew how i could ever let you know about it.
You came to me when i was resting in the folds of my mother's womb,and since then you have always been with me, no matter what.You have given me a wonderful time all throughout.

You 've been my best companion,a steady support and a great guide.No doubt,you have been full of ups and downs.But,all along you 've shown me how to meander my way out from the 'downs' and how to stay grounded during the 'ups'.

You have managed being with me,at times when i sent everyone away from me and drew a line around myself.You 've shown me light,when i could see only darkness all around.You 've shown me hope,when i was filled with despair.You showed me love when i really needed it.
Most importantly,you showed me how time healed everything.Time,in fact,melts everything.There is nothing which can stand the storms of time and stay alive inspite of it.

You 've been with me all through time,through every stage.You 've seen me take my first steps,mouth my first words,get my first teeth,learn alphabets and numbers,play with my dolls,say my first rhymes,have my dose of measles and chicken pox.
You 've seen me grow,learn thru school life,get my graduation,part way with frens,with tears in my eyes...
You know the lies i 've spoken,the people i 've hurt,those whom i really love and care for.You are aware of my thoughts,feelings,desires.I bet,you know my goals,my strengths and weaknesses,my likes and dislikes,my dreams and secret fantasies...You 've managed to know me in and out...infact i have'nt discovered myself fully yet!

You 've taught me some of your most beautiful lessons at apt times in subtle ways.You 've fulfilled my wishes.You've made my thoughts mature gracefully.You constantly keep me engaged by teaching me, making me grow from what i learn.I know you are a process of learning and growing wonderfully.For,i am not perfect,i yet need to learn so much.And i know that when i stop learning,i cease to grow.When i stop growing,i cease to live,i merely exsist.

You 've nurtured hidden talents in me,built my skills gradually,tapped my potential,broadened my outlook,refined my attitude and help me build an identity for myself.

Most importantly,you 've taught me how to smile,no matter what,how to live and enjoy the present moment. You've showed me that nothing is as important as it seems,when compared with you...you are so vast,oh life!,...so full of myriad moments,filled with so much time...
....you 've given all of yourself and your time to me...i can do what i please with you and your time....i love it,but,at the same time,i am a bit afraid...afraid if i 'll use and utilise you carefully and wonderfully...for,you are running out...and,at the end,you must'nt regret for having come to me!...But,now, i assure you,you 'll not regret,you 'll be proud of me. I 'll fill you with wonderful moments just as u did to me.

When i think of a person,and the next moment i see he/she in front of or hear their voice,...when a desire of mine(no matter,silly or big) is fulfilled,...when i achieve what i want,when i hear happy words,when i get a smile or a helping hand unasked,when people love me for what i am...i know that its your positive spirit which is working wonderfully and quietly through me,making everything happen.Resting in the deepest chambers of my heart,you reach out to the farthest,your reach knows no bounds....the results you bring are unparalelled.

Playing on the inner most strings of my heart,you have taught me how to be happy and comfortable with my own company alone,sans anybody,sans anything.....i love the independence you have given me,i love the freedom,i can feel the love and peace you hold for me.I 'm proud to 've you with me.And i know you are proud too.

I want to fill myself with you and your presence,...overflowing to the brim.

I ve always wondered what people really meant when they said,"she's so full of life and spirit."
Today,i ve understood it.

A world of frens.... (cond. of the previous post...)

My frens have always been a blessing for me.Having stayed at a hostel both during school and college,I have had the oppourtunity of meeting a vast variety of people and can say my frens list will include all types of people! As thoughts thus flowed in, i started flipping through the pages of my pink and green slam book.I opened a page randomly...whose name was on it...?




If I have to mention all names here,then i may surely miss out on few,so I don't want to take the risk of a bad memory!I'll jus mention a few of them. The page i held had the name 'D.Sai Latha.'



I remember during my childhood days,in 2nd std, Dsl would wait for me outside the class after finishing homework or test,whatever! She was in B-section and myself in A-sec. After that,we would go ut and play together! Then...as we grew a little more,Deepthi,Prashanthi and myself were such good frens...we would do every damn thing that kids do together.We would go for brushing together,play together,have our wash after games together,study together...chat unto eternity...etc.etc...As we grew,Prashanthi left after 1oth std,Deepthi took the Maths group,and I made my way into the Commerce group. I guess now one is doing her MBBS,the other has joined IIT at Delhi,and I am here at Chennai! Would love to get together with them.Whenever we meet after a long time,there's so much happiness in the air and the chatting goes on endlessly!!




There were so many more frens at school.More than individually,as a group all of us were very close like a family,we did everything together,knew the other person inside-out and had our share of fun, fights,cribbing,pranks and punishments together.They were those days of innocence and carefree living...how i wish, i could back to my childhood atleast for a day,just for its innocence,a plain heart and carefree moments..!




In my 10 th,Gauthami and myself become fast frens.She was a sweet,simple gal with a frank heart,and she had an ability to make ppl laugh,which is why our class gals used to like her around! We would go for long walks together,and shared a simple closeness and there was so much of understanding between us with very few words! That was what i really liked.She was a gem! She too left after 10th std. That was the last time, i saw her. But that gal had a lovely way of keeping in touch,whether by sending surprise cards and letters to school or by tracking down different new phone no's and speaking to me! And when we met up at Parthi after 5 yrs,we still shared the same healthy frenship having the same closeness and comfort!





I still rem'r how during our last two yrs,Shri devi(Yamini) and myself,when we want to quieten a noisy situation, would sign to each other 'Ready,one,two three...' and would start the song ''five star..five star..." in our screachy voices at the highest pitch! And lo! everybody would stop and turn around to see wats happening!We would do it anywhere,classroom,bathroom,playground!!....Sheer madness...but good fun.(the gals who continued 11th and 12th there will understand what i am speaking about!)And how can i forget the way Shardha ma'am would scold us for nothing! I rem'r one day, while she was scolding us,something had set us all laughing uncontrollably which annoyed her more.She made us standup,we continued laughing so much,our pens fell out of our hand,books fell down from the chairs.Her anger was rising.She sent us out of her class. We still could'nt stop ourselves from laughing .... Suman, Sridevi, Divya, myself and some others.Finally,i guess,she sent us to the office room to meet the principal!



And the Commerce gals will know what i mean,when i say that till today 'the dust-bin incident' is the most stupid incident which was blown out-of-proportion ;-)!

We witnessed some of the most hilarious incidents then! In a way,it was good, as we had numerous incidents to recollect and laught at when any of our moods touched low!



During college,my school frens who joined the same coll as me became more close knitted.We were now like a family for 15 yrs!All of us were there for each other through thick and thin.I guess,space and time will limit me terribly,if i have to write about coll memories!


I remember,during 1 st yr,my fren,Ch's roomies would treat me as one of their own roomies,and i was always welcome there,inspite of the room rules! And then,they would treat me like a kid and pamper me with all their food and goodies,etc.Ch was a really nice gal,her chubby cheeks and smile added sweetness to her already good nature.



Then,there was Babes's habit of being frank and open-minded which went a long way in correcting so many of our small faults which looked big then!She was the talkative,bubbly gal !With her around,there was never a dull moment!



I can't forget the times Disha,Smrithi and myself spent together. Whether,it was debating and having fun during the marketing and advertising class,or watching each other struggle to keep eye-lids open during the sleepy Economics class(which was always after lunch!),or crib about Radha ma'am endlessly or wonder if we would finally opt for radio -jockeying after finishing final yr,since our marks woul'dnt fetch us anything else!!( This would be the topic always,when we get the news that ma'am was going to get our law papers and read out the as usual thrash answers that we had written in them!) We would always play the fool in class and never pay attention. And then we would sit together to work out problems.Disha would have been those stray few to pay attention and she had real patience and sincerity while sitting with us to do Maths and Accounts.Till date,I remember her commitment to academics.




Another thing which I have to mention is the way they would tease me and pull my leg! I had a tough time to keep Smrithi from telling our coll batchmates about the stupid embarassing bangle incident which happened at school!( i wonder till date,why did i ever do that!) It would only add fuel fire to the fire! But, believe me,in a way,unknown to themselves and myself,they were teaching me to take everything lightly and have fun! I would join together in the fun,and i mean it when i say that i miss all that fun today.



Abi,Shalini and Meenakshi were fun-loving and all of us would never run out of topics for discussion. We spent some real good times together (am sure u ppl rem'r 'Tuesdays with Abi' ;courtesy:Tuesdays with Morrie)!



Pooja was the calm,quiet peaceful gal.With her philosophical bend of mind,she had a good word for everybody and a practical solution to any of our problems then! Devi was hard working and helpful inspite of her Band practice sessions.She had an ever-ready helpful attitude.





Our schoolbatch when we came to college came to be known as the most outgoing batch and also the batch which would so meticulously plan out different lovely things, but then would see hell while executing our plans:-)!!Numerous incidents and situations at school were coming to my mind...Time and words were'nt supporting me to pen them down.

I had come out to the last page of my slam book of school frens. My eyes were wet,my lips curved into a smile,my thoughts were still full of them,as i removed the photoframe of our farewell day,both school and college ones. As,i looked at my classmates and frens,i realised how each one of them were unique and how each one of them had their own way of makink ppl happy,helping them out and thus finding a place in ppl's mind forever.Life at hostel,with its share of constraints and limitations had been spent in a smooth and joyful manner because of the presence of frens.

Yes,we had lived together like a family.We had everything an usual family would go through-our share of fun, tears, silly fights, cribbing, closeness, sharing sorrow and joy together...whatever it was,at the end of the day,we would know that one was there for the other when really needed.It was a silent understanding.

''purni....come and open the door"...It was my mom.She had returned home.Memories of other frens were coming to me,as i wiped my eyes and went to open the door...'another day for the others'...i thought..and opened the door.

The smell of rain...

It was a warm sunday afternoon. I was sitting on the sofa and watching tv,surfing the channels randomly. None of the channels seemed to hold my attention...at the moment.My mind was wandering.As I got up to get a movie DVD from the adjacent room, I felt a cool breeze amidst the warmth,rushing in past the window,banging it in the process,and carressing my cheeks.The breeze,I thought,was a blessing on that warm day. I went out and looked up at the sky.Yes,it was drizzling.I loved the light drizzle.

I love rain...love the feeling when I am out with my friends on their bike,and it suddenly starts to rain unexpectedly....love the smell of wet earth...and like to feel my smooth skin made wet by the cool showers...and ya,I like to gaze at the rainbow too...It was such a fascination for me since childhood...Iwould strain my eyes to see the seven colours and check if they are in the order of the VIBGYOR!!

The light drizzle was turning a bit heavy ,but I wanted to go badly to go to the terrace and get wet. And since no one was at home,I had the freedom to go out in the rain,without hearing the usual "come fast,you'll catch a cold.etc!"
I ran up,stood at the edge of the terrace and gazed at the blue skies.It was just a passing cloud,so the skies were clear and calm. Gazing at it, brought in calmness and clarity to my mind,slowly pushing away my blues...The cool rain and the gentle blues was a calming balm to my eyes and mind.My spirits were brightening up...and I was feeling good.

With nobody at home,and my mobile switched off on purpose and the neighbours away,their dog asleep; I felt like I was the only one around,that afternoon,thanks to the location of our house,it was away from the noisy hussle and bussle of the Chennai traffic. The world around me was enjoying an afternnon siesta ,sleeping cozily,not wanting to wake up to the feeling of 'Monday blues'!.It was getting quieter now.The rain had almost stopped...


I was enjoying the company of myself,without any disturbance.I usually enjoy my company alone,like to have my personal space and time,without any one's interference.Time was slowly explaining to me the true meaning of ''Solitude is Bliss"...Yes,it was real bliss..and ya,solitude is different from loneliness! Lonileness comes when you have drawn a circle around yourself or when you are so cold so as to not allow anyone to befriend you! Solitude is when on purpose,you want to spend some quality time alone with yourself. You are social enough, have good friends to spend time with,but prefer spending some time alone! Its gives you a lovely feeling,it brings you those moments of complete silence ,calming your thoughts and mirroring what you really feel within...The first time I discovered this feeling in me,it was so genuinely good which made me want to explore more such moments with myself. It made me happy apart from the usual happiness I got by spending time with frens and family.



I looked up.The rain had stopped.The sun was begginning to peep out again. My eyes were searching the skies...slowly...yes!there it was!...the colourful rainbow in all its splendour...I knew that a colouful rainbow emerges when the rain has almost stopped and the sun is out.

There was something about the rainbow which made me think that life is made colourful and interesting only when it has got both, moments of blues as well as sunny moments together!



I closed my eyes,made a wish silently and came down! It reminded me of childhood days,I remember,as kids ,why?even in our grad days,we gals would run up to the terrace as soon as we hear that there's a rainbow,and make a wish...closing our eyes tightly and seriously think of the wish and then come down with our faces beaming, as if that wish would be fulfilled that very night!! Lol..in a way,it was plain fun!:-)



I came down.Made a hot cup of tea for myself, and sat back sipping slowly on it. The taste was wonderful,the aroma relaxing .I had added ginger and s'thing else to my usual cuppa tea.It felt good.

Remembering my frens,i dusted and took out my old slam book of school days,from my rack.I had forgottenn all about it.Today,somehow i wanted to go back to those good 'ol days...Flipping through its pages,memories gushed into my mind...Memories of my frens....